Akatsuki Antics
by Capito Celcior
Summary: So, you thought that Akatsuki was the ultimate evil, the nine greatest vilains of all the Shinobi Nations gathered? I think not. Behold and see, the side that they hide from everyone else. Their flaws, their joys, their quirks, their HUMANITY! R&R lots an
1. Jaws

Akatsuki Antics

Uchiha Itachi speed walked agitatedly. Behind him Hoshigaki Kisame followed.

"Aw come on Itachi."

"No. No deal Kisame, I've indulged you far too often already."

"But I truly like it. Don't you want me to be happy?"

The Sharingan user gritted his teeth, never halting his walk. "Do you have any idea of how much it drains me? Every time I'm left trying to recover!"

"What, is the mighty Uchiha Itachi scared of a little "_exercise_"?" Kisame mocked his partner.

Itachi halted suddenly. Spinning around, Sharingan eyes blazing, he looked in the Sword wielder's own.

"Tsukyomi!"

The world turned red, a moon moving across the sky, before it turned into a barren, red wasteland where Kisame could see nothing over the horizon, no matter how far he looked. Until the Master of this plain appeared mere meters in front of him.

_"This is the world of Tsukyomi!"_ He said darkly. _"In this world, I control everything."_

He took a step towards the shark-faced man. _"For the next seventy-two hours"_ another step _"you shall be"_ He stopped one step away from Kisame

_"A movie star!"_

As Itachi disappeared, Kisame's apparel changed into a snazzy black T-shirt and jeans, with a pair of classy sunglasses on his face. The red world became a street with many people, civilians, walking. As he took a step, heads turned and girls screamed.

"**Ohmygod**! It's Kisame!" _"Kisame, we love you!"_ "Kisame, Kisame, you were SO GREAT in those first two Jaws movies. They really shouldn't have replaced you with with that great white in the third. You SOOO out acted him!"

With an ear-splitting grin, sharp teeth bared, he cried out to the sky.

"THANK YOU ITACHI!"

The young man in question sat in the sky, invisibly observing it all. "Why do I keep indulging him?"

* * *

The leader of Akatsuki was calmly enjoying his tea, when the doors to his private quarters where slammed open. In walked the famed Konoha Missing Nin and Mist Missing Nin partners.

'What seems to be the problem, Itachi, Kisame? It is unlike you two to interrupt my private time unless something extremely important came up?"

A fuming Uchiha nodded, looking furious at his partner, who seemed to be offended.

"Oh, something came up alright. Kisame's new plan to capture the Biyuu, that is."

"Kisame has a new plan? Then why would you be so angry? Isn't this good? It should hasten our plans enormously."

To respond to this, Itachi pulled out a piece of paper, standard A4 size. The leader read it.

'_HAVE YOU SEEN THIS DEMON-FOX?_

_(Picture of Kyuubi)_

_MISSING_

_Last seen munching on Konoha Shinobi._

_Noticeable traits: Nine tails, size of a mountain, paralysing killer intent, unmatched bloodlust and hunger for meat._

_Attention, may look like little blonde boy._

_If found, please alert Hoshigaki Kisame, Cave of Doom Nr 3, Borders of Fire and Rice._'

Kisame spent the next three weeks cleaning up all Akatsuki Nine's chambers with a shoe brush, a bar of soap and a small plastic bag.

* * *

"How many have it been so far?" Itachi asked his partner.

"Aw, it wasn't my fault and you know it!"

The angry Uchiha glared. "Not your fault? How can you possibly say that? Do you know how many are left that we are still welcome at?"

"But they had it coming!"

"I DON'T CARE KISAME! There are only so many restaurants left that will still serve us, and you KEEP on smashing them up because they have Shark fin Soup on the menu!"

* * *

Uchiha Itachi stumbled forward through the forest. His cheek had a cut that still oozed a little blood.

"How?" Kisame asked.

"How what?"

"How could he possibly have hit you?"

"I was weighted down!"

"Weighted down? You do not even HAVE weights. You don't carry a sword, you don't have THAT many Kunai, no Tanto, Wakazashi, Kodachi, Katana, Ninjato…Nothing! What could POSSIBLY weight you down."

Itachi pulled open his cloak. It was filled to the brim with small boxes.

"Oh Itachi. Seriously. This Pocky addiction of yours is going to kill you one of these days."


	2. Pinokio

Deidara was quickly moving through the halls of Sasori's part of their cave. The Clay Moulder had important information coming from their leader.

At last he stepped on a wooden Scorpion Stinger. His head went to follow it.

"Finally I found you, yeah. I've got some good info, yeah. Wanna hear it?'

No response.

"Don't ignore your own partner, it's rude yeah!"

Deidara was still ignored.

"LISTEN! This is important yeah? From the boss-man himself, and you know how he is, yeah?"

The stinger didn't even twitch. The cloak wasn't ruffled at all, indicating that Sasori's back was STILL pointed to him.

"I spent too long looking for you, yeah? This info needs to be told RIGHT AWAY, cause if not we'll miss the latest Jinchuruuki yeah. You bastard, I can't be playing these games with you yeah!"

It didn't seem to faze Sasori at all, not bothering to respond to the mouths-in-hands nin.

"You little, doll-playing fng prosthetics-wearing arachnidically obsessed …" this rant went on for the next half hour. Alas, the dreadfully important info reached it's designated time-limit.

"Now look what you've done, yeah! You made us miss our target! Unforgivable, yeah! I'll tell the leader all about it, yeah, and you can rest assured it's gonna be YOUR head that's on the line, NOT MINE! Got that, yeah?"

"Uhm…Deidara, what are you doing?" came from behind the clay user's back. Odly enough, it sounded a lot like…

"Sasori?"

"Yeah." The Puppet-user borrowed Deidara's single favourite stop-word.

"What..."

"Uhm…Why were you yeling at that?" his hand pointed at the stinger and cloak.

Once again, the blond looked back and forth noticing two scorpion tails, one in front and one behind him, as well as two cloakes with red clouds, two clawed wooden arms...

"What is THAT!" the freaked-out blond asked.

"THAT would be, of course, my spare parts. What, you didn't think that I would only have one of these, would you?"

* * *

"That HAD to be the greatest psychological piece of sht I have ever seen. The main character's thoughts were flawed and entirely illogical. His greatest dream was to give up all chances of greatness instead of exploring the possibilities of tremendous power and true immortality."

Deidara followed the ranting Puppet Master.

"Look, don't take things so seriously, yeah? It was just a movie."

"THAT MOVIE MOCKED EVERYTHING I BELIEVE IN AND HAVE WORKED FOR! My life's goal was opposed, ridiculed...it is unbelievable! He, that boy, had everything I ever hoped to accomplish, yet tossed it away like mere trash!"

"You're taking things too far, yeah I'm telling you, Pinokio ain't real."

* * *

"Hey, Deidara!"

The clay-user turned to see his partner. "Yeah?"

"I apologise for the whole nagging and yelling thing yesterday. Besides, it was that wooden boy's good right to want to turn real. Had nothing to do with me."

A sigh escaped the blond's lips. "It's a start yeah."

"But uh…you know…do you think…"

"What?"

"Do you think that…if I wished it hard enough, that lady blue fairy would turn me into a real puppet?"

The plucks of blond hair Deidara had ripped out of his own head that moment could create a wide array of wigs.

* * *

A sunny day finds our clay manipulator outside, curiously observing his own partner sitting on his knees, bringing his hand/claw close to his face, before smashing his other fist into and and moving on to the next location, repeating the aforementioned steps.

"Seriously, yeah. Sasori, what are you doing, yeah?"

"Merely following the leader's advice."

"Our leader told you to sit down and punch your own hand, yeah?"

"Nah, he said that in order to be the ultimate and most ruthless ninja, one had to squash his own conscience. Now, I figured that, seeing how much I have in common with that boy, my conscience should have taken on a similar shape."

Deidara couldn't follow. Seeing this, the living puppet decided to elaborate.

"I decided to seek out and interrogate each and every cricket I could find, hoping one of them would lead me to my conscience. They were like the Yakuza though. Close-knit and tight lipped. They have a fierce and admirable loyalty towards each other, and so far intimidation hasn't worked yet either. So I moved on to the process of elimination."

"Meaning…?"

"I'm squishing every cricket I find in the hope that the one I'm looking for is amongst them."

Pleased with his own intelligence, Sasori continued the bug-hunt with a smile on his face.


End file.
